I have a great idea. Why don’t we take a really good look at your brilliantly written CL ad and gain a good understanding of just how ridiculous it sounds. Here’s my version of what you just said (with the exception of this “straight bear” business that I’m not even going to touch because that’s a whole other email):
Intelligent, funny, middle aged white man with a gut looking for a tall, hot blond for outdoor sex, trips to the strip club, and sleepovers with her equally hot best friend. Big boobs a plus, shaved sausage wallet a must. I love a woman who cooks a damn good chicken fried steak, irons my shirts once a week, and is generally capable of good housekeeping. I can be incredibly charming, make you laugh, and shave your shit. It would be great if you were really smart and enjoy intellectual conversation.
How about we both wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first. Are you fucking crazy? Do you really believe this perfect man is reading CL and looking for a chubby chick? No offense, but we chubby folk don’t have a huge selection of potential mates out there, so let’s lower our standards just a smidge and start aiming for some lower hanging fruit. Either he’s big and burly and manly, or he’s smart and enjoys storytelling and picnics. You can’t have it both ways, my fairy tale dreaming friend. It’s one or the other.
Let me know if he answers your ad and tell me all about your first date. I’m sure it’ll be a fascinating story.
Good luck to you, mam.