You Asked For It

A couple of days ago I was bored and didn’t have any great ideas to share with you guys, so I wrote up a quick CL ad to see what kind of entertainment I could find. There’s nothing more amusing than texting someone who’s as witty and tasteless as you and I and believe it or not, I’ve made many good friends like this.

Here’s what I came up with…

I posted this one in the San Diego personals section for no other reason than I like the place. I didn’t get a huge response from it, but I did meet a really awesome chick from Oceanside, CA (wherever that’s at) who responded with a simple:

“You sound wicked fun!”

Well thank you, my new friend!

Aside from that, I got the usual spam from 6 different email addresses that contain identical messages, only slightly different. They’re actually quite amusing, and I would have some fun with them, but these guys don’t play nice. All they want is your email address and then they flood your spam file with sites that promise you’ll “Get laid tonight!” Hell yes! Sign me up!

Here’s an example of one of these priceless responses. It sounds totally legit!

FROM: Crowe Matern

Are you the man for me? I am 19 yrs old and read your response and would like to get to know you further. Ive always dreamt about meeting a stranger online for absolute good times. I do not care who you are, what you do as long as you’re safe. Oh and this must be highly discreet as I dont want my friends to think Im a slut because Im not! Just interested in NSA hope youre on the same page as me. I tried sending you my cell # but it bounced back so I uploaded my # on my profile for you. Get hold of it and text me, I DON’T check emails typically. I also added more steamy pictures for your eyes only. Anyways, Im down for anything so text me something dirty and Ill tell you my fantasy. Are you hosting or am I? L8rs! 🙂

It hurts me to know I can’t respond to this. I want to so bad!

I had just about lost hope that I wouldn’t get any wildly inappropriate responses until I checked my email after work yesterday. That’s when I was introduced to Leonardi. He had no idea who’s ad he responded to…

Leonardi:

just walk in, stand in front of me as I rest on the couch and begin to strip exactly as I say

Oh yea?? Well it’s nice to meet you Leonardi! Did you totally skip the part in the ad where I said I was a blogger? You asked for it.

Me:

Interesting. I must say… I did not expect a response like this one to my CL ad. I’m pretty sure I made it obvious that I’m a middle aged man and I’m looking for a woman. As a matter of fact, I’m looking at the subject line right now and it clearly says “Looking for a female”. Right above it, in the “To” section, I see the name “Leonardi”. That leads me to believe you are a sir. Am I correct?

Luckily for you, I’m a pretty open minded individual, so fuck it… Let’s talk about it.

I can see how you might consider this fun, but unfortunately, it’s not as simple as you’re making it sound to just “walk right in”. I mean if I already knew you and where you lived and what you were about, then yea… That could work. But since we’re two perfect strangers, there’s so much to work out. Geez… Where do I begin?

• Do you mean tonight? You know the series premiere of “The Following” comes on in about an hour and I was planning on watching it. Can we maybe plan for tomorrow night instead? Wait… I’ve got plans tomorrow night. Maybe Wednesday would work. How’s your schedule look?
• Where am I going? A house or apartment? If the later, is there a gate code to enter the property? What building are you in? Where can I park?
• Do you mean to literally walk in the residence without knocking on the door? If so, I assume it will be unlocked, if not open a little bit? My concern is this… What if I get the address mixed up and I accidentally walk into the wrong house  or apt. That would be awkward for all involved and then your neighbors will judge you because I would have to explain to them exactly how I ended up at their place, and I don’t want to cause waves at your home. I’m not that kind of guy.
• Is this going to be some sort of BDSM scenario where I’m not allowed to speak unless asked a specific question, or should I formally introduce myself, shake your hand and maybe chit chat for a minute?
• Do I at least get a beer from you or something to drink? It’s kinda rude to have over a guest and not offer them at least something to drink. Don’t you agree?
• How do you want me dressed? Should I wear one of the pairs of used panties I recently picked up on CL, or is this just a “come as you are” type meeting?
• Is there a particular fetish you have that I need to be aware of? I don’t usually like surprises in these types of situations, so it would be great if you were up front with what exactly you have in mind. I like to be prepared.
• Are there going to be other people present or is it just you and I?
• Are you offering any type compensation for this? I’m not sure you’re aware, but the going rate for spitting in a guy’s face is $35 so I feel like I should get something for giving you an awesome strip show. That’s fair, right?

I guess that’s all I can think of for the moment. If I come up with anything else, I’ll let you know. Be thinking about what kind of cash you’re offering for this fun little game, you Magic Mike lovin fruit queen. I’ll be looking forward to your response.

Oh one more thing… Do you mind if I bring along a buddy to film the action? He’s been dying to capture some shit like this?

Leonardi didn’t write me back which is a little disappointing. I thought he was serious about talking this through. I’ll keep you posted if I hear anything back.