You Asked For It

A couple of days ago I was bored and didn’t have any great ideas to share with you guys, so I wrote up a quick CL ad to see what kind of entertainment I could find. There’s nothing more amusing than texting someone who’s as witty and tasteless as you and I and believe it or not, I’ve made many good friends like this.

Here’s what I came up with…

My ad - boobs

I posted this one in the San Diego personals section for no other reason than I like the place. I didn’t get a huge response from it, but I did meet a really awesome chick from Oceanside, CA (wherever that’s at) who responded with a simple:

“You sound wicked fun!”

Well thank you, my new friend!

Aside from that, I got the usual spam from 6 different email addresses that contain identical messages, only slightly different. They’re actually quite amusing, and I would have some fun with them, but these guys don’t play nice. All they want is your email address and then they flood your spam file with sites that promise you’ll “Get laid tonight!” Hell yes! Sign me up!

Here’s an example of one of these priceless responses. It sounds totally legit!

FROM: Crowe Matern

Are you the man for me? I am 19 yrs old and read your response and would like to get to know you further. Ive always dreamt about meeting a stranger online for absolute good times. I do not care who you are, what you do as long as you’re safe. Oh and this must be highly discreet as I dont want my friends to think Im a slut because Im not! Just interested in NSA hope youre on the same page as me. I tried sending you my cell # but it bounced back so I uploaded my # on my profile for you. Get hold of it and text me, I DON’T check emails typically. I also added more steamy pictures for your eyes only. Anyways, Im down for anything so text me something dirty and Ill tell you my fantasy. Are you hosting or am I? L8rs! 🙂

c1

It hurts me to know I can’t respond to this. I want to so bad!

I had just about lost hope that I wouldn’t get any wildly inappropriate responses until I checked my email after work yesterday. That’s when I was introduced to Leonardi. He had no idea who’s ad he responded to…

Leonardi:

just walk in, stand in front of me as I rest on the couch and begin to strip exactly as I say

Oh yea?? Well it’s nice to meet you Leonardi! Did you totally skip the part in the ad where I said I was a blogger? You asked for it.

Me:

Interesting. I must say… I did not expect a response like this one to my CL ad. I’m pretty sure I made it obvious that I’m a middle aged man and I’m looking for a woman. As a matter of fact, I’m looking at the subject line right now and it clearly says “Looking for a female”. Right above it, in the “To” section, I see the name “Leonardi”. That leads me to believe you are a sir. Am I correct?

Luckily for you, I’m a pretty open minded individual, so fuck it… Let’s talk about it.

I can see how you might consider this fun, but unfortunately, it’s not as simple as you’re making it sound to just “walk right in”. I mean if I already knew you and where you lived and what you were about, then yea… That could work. But since we’re two perfect strangers, there’s so much to work out. Geez… Where do I begin?

  • Do you mean tonight? You know the series premiere of “The Following” comes on in about an hour and I was planning on watching it. Can we maybe plan for tomorrow night instead? Wait… I’ve got plans tomorrow night. Maybe Wednesday would work. How’s your schedule look?
  • Where am I going? A house or apartment? If the later, is there a gate code to enter the property? What building are you in? Where can I park?
  • Do you mean to literally walk in the residence without knocking on the door? If so, I assume it will be unlocked, if not open a little bit? My concern is this… What if I get the address mixed up and I accidentally walk into the wrong house  or apt. That would be awkward for all involved and then your neighbors will judge you because I would have to explain to them exactly how I ended up at their place, and I don’t want to cause waves at your home. I’m not that kind of guy.
  • Is this going to be some sort of BDSM scenario where I’m not allowed to speak unless asked a specific question, or should I formally introduce myself, shake your hand and maybe chit chat for a minute?
  • Do I at least get a beer from you or something to drink? It’s kinda rude to have over a guest and not offer them at least something to drink. Don’t you agree?
  • How do you want me dressed? Should I wear one of the pairs of used panties I recently picked up on CL, or is this just a “come as you are” type meeting?
  • Is there a particular fetish you have that I need to be aware of? I don’t usually like surprises in these types of situations, so it would be great if you were up front with what exactly you have in mind. I like to be prepared.
  • Are there going to be other people present or is it just you and I?
  • Are you offering any type compensation for this? I’m not sure you’re aware, but the going rate for spitting in a guy’s face is $35 so I feel like I should get something for giving you an awesome strip show. That’s fair, right?

I guess that’s all I can think of for the moment. If I come up with anything else, I’ll let you know. Be thinking about what kind of cash you’re offering for this fun little game, you Magic Mike lovin fruit queen. I’ll be looking forward to your response.

Oh one more thing… Do you mind if I bring along a buddy to film the action? He’s been dying to capture some shit like this?

Leonardi didn’t write me back which is a little disappointing. I thought he was serious about talking this through. I’ll keep you posted if I hear anything back.

Spit in My Face

It’s not often that I’m surprised by an unusual request I see on CL, but this one is out there. Really out there! When I come across a strange fetish, I always try to put myself in the individual’s shoes and atempt to get a feel for where they’re coming from. This one I really don’t understand.

Spit

I don’t buy it. There’s something else you’re looking for that you’re not saying. With the exception of some incredibly disgusting videos out there (i.e. 1 guy 1 jar), I’m pretty understanding of other people’s fetishes. You like wearing women’s panties? I get it. You built a “fart chamber” out of a trash can and want a woman to sit on it and give you a sweet taste of her quiver fart? More power to you. Spitting in your face? No.

I don’t believe you’re totally sane, my friend. Are you European?


***For some reason, I just couldn’t let this one go. I had to know what this guy was thinking and find out if he’s for real. I really wanted to talk to him.

A couple of weeks ago I was hanging out with a really awesome chick who also happens to be a fan of this blog. She suggested that if I really wanted to hear some crazy, off the wall crap, I should pose as a woman and let guys send me emails so I could see what kind of responses females were getting from their ads. I actually thought that was a good idea, so I put it on the back burner and decided I would do it when the time was right. Well, my friends, this is that opportunity.

I created an alter ego and gave her the name Kelly to be used as a way to communicate with people who would otherwise ignore me. “Kelly” sent an email to this spitting fetish guy to see what he’s about.

Kelly:

I’ve seen some pretty unusual requests on craigslist, but this is pretty out there. I can understand a panties fetish or a prostate massage, but why spitting?

I might be interested in this because I really need the money and my boyfriend is being an asshole, but you gotta be real with me. What’s really in it for you?

Frank:

The only thing that I am into is just that Spit, I find the turn on for me is nothing more than being debased by an attractive female, either it be by spitting in my face or kissing her feet I request nothing else in other words I am not looking to get in any female who takes part in this, her pants the turn on for me is that I am paying a female to do something (some people may consider it dirty) as spitting in my face and that fact that she does it for one or two hours is a turn on for me as she is there just to spit in my face and take my money, it’s that simple. If you have any interest call me 2**-**0-7**8 thanks for e-mailig so that I know that you are real and if you want to get together for a spitting session call me, if you want to bring someone along as you may not feel comfortable because you don’t know me by all means you can bring anyone you want as this is my fetish to have an attractive female spit in my face. This is a pretty tame fetish compared to what some people are into. Call me.

I think he wants Kelly to call him.

Kelly:

Hey Frank! You sound pretty sincere about this spitting session, so I almost want to trust you. This whole situation sounds a little shady, though. I thought I would discuss with you some concerns I have before we move forward with plans to make this happen. Just a couple of questions…

1.     What kind of spitting are we talking about? Just general spitting in your face, or are you expecting a large whale of a loogie slowly dripping onto your forehead as you lay down.

2.     What if I can’t do it for more than 15 minutes or so? Is it a requirement that the experience last for at least an hour, or do you have a plan if we don’t make it that long? Do I still get the whole $35?

3.     What about if I took a mouthful of water and projected it at you over and over? Would that do it for you?

4.     Why don’t you hang out at strip clubs and have strippers spit on you while you’re getting table dances. Wouldn’t it have the same effect, except more enhanced because you can get debased by more than one women in a short period of time?

5.     Obviously, this is something that turns you on. Are you planning to pull out your little buddy at any point without warning? I’m not sure I want to see that and I’m concerned that you won’t be able to contain yourself.

6.     Since you seem to like being degraded by woman, I may take the anger I currently feel towards my boyfriend out on you. Are you OK with that? This may involve calling you various names that include the word “fuck” and possible slapping of your face. I’ll try not to kick you in the balls.

7.     How do I know you aren’t some psycho with a plan to rob me and gag me and leave me in a dumpster behind Wal-Mart or the Costco? I don’t even shop there so it would really suck to end up there. I would hope you would be considerate and take me to Sephora.

I’m thinking about it. Convince me why I should do this?

Also… How many women have actually agreed to this? I’m curious what kind of response you got.

Surely he’s not going to seriously answer my 101 question response…

Frank:

I am very sincere about the spitting as this is my fetish, this and being dehumanized by women, I’ve had a few women who have contacted me about this and they love this as for them it is free cash as all they are doing is spitting in a guy’s face and getting paid for it so I have had no complaints as a matter of fact a lot of woman one in particular does this every time her boyfriend pisses her off which is ok with me.
Kelly as for your questions.
We are talking about spitting non stop in my face, if you only last for 15 minutes that is fine I will pay you for the whole hour, I will be kneeling down in front of you taking all the spit that you can give in my face or mouth your choice. If you run out you can gargle with milk, water, iced tea or any other liquid and either spit it in my face or down my throat or back into a cup while you watch me drink it.
At a strip club would not work as I don’t drink nor will I pay a girl $25 a dance to spit in my face when I can have her do it for an hour and pay $35. Getting debased turns me on however I would never force myself on a woman this is why I am into the debasing thing as our session will be thought about many times in the future as I am JO.

JO = “Jerking Off”

I respect women and I firmly believe that a woman should have a man that she uses as a doormat, this is the way I feel even away from my fetish I think every woman should be worshiped as the female is the most beautiful thing in the world so I think every woman should have someone that they can call on to debase whenever they want, as far as taking your anger out on me that is cool and welcome, I love having my face slapped, my back slapped i just draw the line at being punched in the face or any part of the body, I am very open and would probably let you abuse me anyway you want and again I do not expect anything in return as the turn on is having a female use me as her doormat , you can call me whatever you want in fact I would welcome all the verbal humiliation that you would want to dish out to me. As far as wal-mart or costco would you prefer Bloomingdales? I am pretty sure that you have a sense of humor like mine so I am glad to be communicating with someone that is ver open about abusing a guy, and I pray that you will abuse me and dehumanize me in any way shape or form that you feel I deserve. I am thoroughly sincere in what I am saying. You can bring anyone that you like along ( no I’m not into having a ton of people watch me be dehumanized however if it makes you feel comfortable to have people there that is fine with me as I will submit myself to you anyway you want. Listen Kelly give me a call 2**-**0-7**8 ( no I’m not going to be JO ) it’s just that you sound pretty cool and I would be honored just to talk to you. If you have any other questions just ask, my only purpose is to do, say and submit to anything you want.

Well thank you Frank! I’m glad you like my sense of humor. I still don’t understand the fetish, but who am I (or Kelly) to judge.

Oh one more thing… If you’re thinking about asking Dr. Google about “1 guy 1 jar”, I would strongly advise against it. It’s far worse that “2 girls, 1 cup”. There’s a reason I didn’t ad a link to the video when I mentioned it above.