Needing Reggie

Need Reggie

Hey, man! I definitely have drugs for sell if you are interested. I know a cop who is dirty and he gets some really good marijuana out of the evidence room and sells it cheap. I can get you a good deal for a big bag of the stuff and will even let you try it before you decide to buy. Personally, I hate cops and I think they are all pigs, but the guy has connections, so I have to deal with him. If he ever turns on me, I will not hesitate to bust a cap in his ass. You know what I mean, gangster?

Here’s how this is going to work. You tell me how much drugs you want to purchase and be very specific about exactly what you want. Reply to this email with your name and cell phone number so we can discuss specific details. I usually make these deals at the Motel 6 on I35 near E Oltorf. I will text you with the room number and give you a specific time to be there. Please do not show up early or late. If I tell you to be there at 7 PM, you must show up at that exact time. I will let you know how much I am selling the drugs for and you must have that exact amount of cash on your person when you arrive at the designated spot. Please don’t be nervous if you see some cars in the parking lot that resemble police vehicles. It is not unusual to notice multiple Crown Victorias in the parking lot at this particular motel. Again… Please do not be alarmed. Calmly walk to the door with your hands out of your pockets and knock three times. That will be our secret code so I know you are cool.

If you have any other buddies in your hood that would like to buy, please send them my way. I can get good weed, cocaine, ecstasy, and meth. I might be able to score some heroin too, but you have to give me time for that. Just let me know.

Email me back soon. I’d like to make this deal before the end of the month. Be cool, my friend.

Sincerely,

Not a cop

Undercover

 

***I’m a big believer in giving credit where credit is due. I recently came across a twitter profile of a guy who calls himself Not a Cop and I literally laughed my ass off when I read it. The guy is hilarious! His profile is the inspiration for the post you just read. In case you are wondering, yes… I really did send this to the guy who posted the CL ad (minus the “undercover” pic). We’ll see if he writes us back.

Monday Review 1.14

Good evening to you, my friends and loyal followers (however many you are). I’m multi-tasking at the moment. While I’m writing another long awaited Monday review, I’m also experimenting in the kitchen. Sometimes you have no choice but to pull whatever you can find in the pantry and attempt to make a meal. Tonight’s dinner? Freshly pealed, oven fried potato slices caked in butter and then mixed with a glorious helping of scrambled eggs and topped with melted colby jack shredded cheese. Now that’s a dinner that shoots straight for your arteries! You know it sounds delicious!

It was a great week for me spending time with friends and family. I also got a chance to catch the new Quentin Tarantino movie; Django Unchained, and It. Was. AWESOME! If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend it.

Here’s what happened on your favorite blog this week:

  • Three Sad Cats – This guy is crazy for offering so little for the concert event of the century this past weekend. I wonder if he pulled off the impossible and got the house to himself Saturday night.
  • Spit in My Face – Where do these guys come up with this stuff?? As far as I can tell, he’s totally serious about his fetish.
  • Was that it? Really? Maybe I throw you a bonus at some point in the near future.

Don’t forget to check out the FB fan page because it’s pretty lonely and needs some friends.

Let’s talk about some interesting occurrences that happened with the blog. Remember last week we talked about how WordPress is really good at telling me how you guys are finding my blog? Well this week is no different. Here’s the latest activity:

Weekly Search Terms

My favorite is “choose rape porn”. Really? Someone actually searched for that?

The phrase “she is spitting at you fetish” actually came from Norway, of all places. I don’t know why that surprised me since, obviously, there are freaks all over the world, so why would Norway be any different? I thought I’d spend some time there and see what kind of ads these guys are posting up in those parts. You know what? It was actually pretty tame.

Are you interested? Of course you are!


Sex Partner

Oh yea? You’re really looking for a “lady” to have as a sex partner on Craigslist. I love how nonchalant you are about the whole thing and that’s a nice touch for you to mention “keeping each other company sometimes”.


Nice Car

Does this type of douchebaggery actually work in Norway? I feel like there are many men out there who think this way, but don’t actually say it out loud. I’ll give you credit for trying.


Pee Ad

Short, sweet and to the point. This ad is a little more risqué than the norm for the Norway CL, but at least you’re honest. I don’t know how “fun” this really is, but I’ll take your word for it.


And then there’s this guy…

I love cock

WOW! You, sir, have no shame! This is the most disgusting picture I’ve seen on CL and I’m having trouble understanding why you felt the need to take it to another level by adding that hand written sign. I guess I really just have one good question. Who the fuck is holding the camera?? I can only imagine the look on my buddy’s face if I said “Hey dude; Can you take a pic of my asshole for me? Wait, wait, wait… Let’s add a sign and make it really artistic.”

 

***Good night my friends. Hope you have a great rest of the week.

Oh one more thing. Here’s my experimental dinner…

Dinner

Spit in My Face

It’s not often that I’m surprised by an unusual request I see on CL, but this one is out there. Really out there! When I come across a strange fetish, I always try to put myself in the individual’s shoes and atempt to get a feel for where they’re coming from. This one I really don’t understand.

Spit

I don’t buy it. There’s something else you’re looking for that you’re not saying. With the exception of some incredibly disgusting videos out there (i.e. 1 guy 1 jar), I’m pretty understanding of other people’s fetishes. You like wearing women’s panties? I get it. You built a “fart chamber” out of a trash can and want a woman to sit on it and give you a sweet taste of her quiver fart? More power to you. Spitting in your face? No.

I don’t believe you’re totally sane, my friend. Are you European?


***For some reason, I just couldn’t let this one go. I had to know what this guy was thinking and find out if he’s for real. I really wanted to talk to him.

A couple of weeks ago I was hanging out with a really awesome chick who also happens to be a fan of this blog. She suggested that if I really wanted to hear some crazy, off the wall crap, I should pose as a woman and let guys send me emails so I could see what kind of responses females were getting from their ads. I actually thought that was a good idea, so I put it on the back burner and decided I would do it when the time was right. Well, my friends, this is that opportunity.

I created an alter ego and gave her the name Kelly to be used as a way to communicate with people who would otherwise ignore me. “Kelly” sent an email to this spitting fetish guy to see what he’s about.

Kelly:

I’ve seen some pretty unusual requests on craigslist, but this is pretty out there. I can understand a panties fetish or a prostate massage, but why spitting?

I might be interested in this because I really need the money and my boyfriend is being an asshole, but you gotta be real with me. What’s really in it for you?

Frank:

The only thing that I am into is just that Spit, I find the turn on for me is nothing more than being debased by an attractive female, either it be by spitting in my face or kissing her feet I request nothing else in other words I am not looking to get in any female who takes part in this, her pants the turn on for me is that I am paying a female to do something (some people may consider it dirty) as spitting in my face and that fact that she does it for one or two hours is a turn on for me as she is there just to spit in my face and take my money, it’s that simple. If you have any interest call me 2**-**0-7**8 thanks for e-mailig so that I know that you are real and if you want to get together for a spitting session call me, if you want to bring someone along as you may not feel comfortable because you don’t know me by all means you can bring anyone you want as this is my fetish to have an attractive female spit in my face. This is a pretty tame fetish compared to what some people are into. Call me.

I think he wants Kelly to call him.

Kelly:

Hey Frank! You sound pretty sincere about this spitting session, so I almost want to trust you. This whole situation sounds a little shady, though. I thought I would discuss with you some concerns I have before we move forward with plans to make this happen. Just a couple of questions…

1.     What kind of spitting are we talking about? Just general spitting in your face, or are you expecting a large whale of a loogie slowly dripping onto your forehead as you lay down.

2.     What if I can’t do it for more than 15 minutes or so? Is it a requirement that the experience last for at least an hour, or do you have a plan if we don’t make it that long? Do I still get the whole $35?

3.     What about if I took a mouthful of water and projected it at you over and over? Would that do it for you?

4.     Why don’t you hang out at strip clubs and have strippers spit on you while you’re getting table dances. Wouldn’t it have the same effect, except more enhanced because you can get debased by more than one women in a short period of time?

5.     Obviously, this is something that turns you on. Are you planning to pull out your little buddy at any point without warning? I’m not sure I want to see that and I’m concerned that you won’t be able to contain yourself.

6.     Since you seem to like being degraded by woman, I may take the anger I currently feel towards my boyfriend out on you. Are you OK with that? This may involve calling you various names that include the word “fuck” and possible slapping of your face. I’ll try not to kick you in the balls.

7.     How do I know you aren’t some psycho with a plan to rob me and gag me and leave me in a dumpster behind Wal-Mart or the Costco? I don’t even shop there so it would really suck to end up there. I would hope you would be considerate and take me to Sephora.

I’m thinking about it. Convince me why I should do this?

Also… How many women have actually agreed to this? I’m curious what kind of response you got.

Surely he’s not going to seriously answer my 101 question response…

Frank:

I am very sincere about the spitting as this is my fetish, this and being dehumanized by women, I’ve had a few women who have contacted me about this and they love this as for them it is free cash as all they are doing is spitting in a guy’s face and getting paid for it so I have had no complaints as a matter of fact a lot of woman one in particular does this every time her boyfriend pisses her off which is ok with me.
Kelly as for your questions.
We are talking about spitting non stop in my face, if you only last for 15 minutes that is fine I will pay you for the whole hour, I will be kneeling down in front of you taking all the spit that you can give in my face or mouth your choice. If you run out you can gargle with milk, water, iced tea or any other liquid and either spit it in my face or down my throat or back into a cup while you watch me drink it.
At a strip club would not work as I don’t drink nor will I pay a girl $25 a dance to spit in my face when I can have her do it for an hour and pay $35. Getting debased turns me on however I would never force myself on a woman this is why I am into the debasing thing as our session will be thought about many times in the future as I am JO.

JO = “Jerking Off”

I respect women and I firmly believe that a woman should have a man that she uses as a doormat, this is the way I feel even away from my fetish I think every woman should be worshiped as the female is the most beautiful thing in the world so I think every woman should have someone that they can call on to debase whenever they want, as far as taking your anger out on me that is cool and welcome, I love having my face slapped, my back slapped i just draw the line at being punched in the face or any part of the body, I am very open and would probably let you abuse me anyway you want and again I do not expect anything in return as the turn on is having a female use me as her doormat , you can call me whatever you want in fact I would welcome all the verbal humiliation that you would want to dish out to me. As far as wal-mart or costco would you prefer Bloomingdales? I am pretty sure that you have a sense of humor like mine so I am glad to be communicating with someone that is ver open about abusing a guy, and I pray that you will abuse me and dehumanize me in any way shape or form that you feel I deserve. I am thoroughly sincere in what I am saying. You can bring anyone that you like along ( no I’m not into having a ton of people watch me be dehumanized however if it makes you feel comfortable to have people there that is fine with me as I will submit myself to you anyway you want. Listen Kelly give me a call 2**-**0-7**8 ( no I’m not going to be JO ) it’s just that you sound pretty cool and I would be honored just to talk to you. If you have any other questions just ask, my only purpose is to do, say and submit to anything you want.

Well thank you Frank! I’m glad you like my sense of humor. I still don’t understand the fetish, but who am I (or Kelly) to judge.

Oh one more thing… If you’re thinking about asking Dr. Google about “1 guy 1 jar”, I would strongly advise against it. It’s far worse that “2 girls, 1 cup”. There’s a reason I didn’t ad a link to the video when I mentioned it above.

Three Sad Cats

Concert Tix

Sad Cats

This is possibly the best ad I’ve ever seen on this magnificent website. I see what you did there. That’s very nice of you to jump through hoops to make your wife & daughter happy and we all respect your self-sacrifice, but come on, bro. Let’s be real here. Are you seriously going to sit there with your cute kitty collection and tell me you have no hidden agenda? The last time I checked, I thought I heard something about a few good NFL games going on both Saturday and Sunday. What a perfect weekend to have the house to yourself.

Personally, I would have just come right out and told the truth about exactly what I want. If it was me in your situation and I was frantically looking to get the family out of the house for divisional playoff weekend, here’s what I would say…

Married white man living in a house full of women desperately seeking peace and quiet. If I hear one more thing about Justin friggin Bieber, I shit you not I will hang myself from the ceiling fan in the living room with that hideous tie my mother-in-law got me for Christmas this year. My wife, daughter, and friend are planning a girl’s trip to San Antonio this weekend if I can find them tickets to Saturday’s show. Please hook me up with three tickets, so I can, for once, enjoy the stillness of an empty house at least for one night. Please! I’m begging you!! For the love of all that is good and holy, you gotta help me out!

Please call or text! I’m bat shit crazy and offering $300 total for 3 tickets that start at $275 EACH for the nosebleeds, but I hope you’ll find pity on me.

Fuck my life.

Maybe I’d leave out the last line, but you get the general idea.

Good luck to you, sir. If you do happen to secure tickets, and you end up getting this weekend to yourself, send me pics of all the wild shit you get into! I bet you’re gonna go absolutely nuts!

***I asked Dr. Google how much tickets really cost for Saturday’s show so I could see if this guy was in the ballpark with his measly $300. I couldn’t believe what I saw. $12,725 for a suite?? To watch Justin Bieber?? Does that come with an eight ball and a plethora of hooker to choose from?!?! I can’t think of a single reason why anyone in their right mind would even consider this an option.

I suppose $874 a ticket is more reasonable for the “charter level”.

ATT Center

Another Late Monday Review

Hello, my friends. Yes… It’s Tuesday night and I’m writing a Monday review. To be fair, last night was the BCS National Championship and I opted to have a good time with friends rather than publish a post, so this is what you get. Another late Monday review. You love it!

Once again, I looked for texts or emails from someone asking why I missed a scheduled post, and all I got was crickets. And this…

Speed of SpermThe more you know.

You couldn’t tell by the short number of blog posts that I published this week, but I actually did write quite a bit this weekend. I’m just not sure yet if you’ll see any of it. I haven’t decided. Here’s what you did see.

  • Adult Winnie the Pooh Costume – This costume is terribly creepy and weird, but dammit I want one. I can already imagine all the brilliant fun I could have! Someone please buy this for me.
  • SHOVE IT RIGHT UP YOUR LIBERAL ASS – I totally understand how this guy feels (my ads get flagged all the time), but this guy takes it to another level! Are you seriously blaming Obama for this?
  • Nice, Firm Body – You didn’t know about this one, did you? I snuck it in right before I started typing this post. It’s another His / Her missed connections short story. You really don’t have to read it.

All right, you liberal bastards; don’t forget about the damn FB fan page. I’d like to encourage you to like it, but I already know… You’re embarrassed and a little ashamed. I’m ashamed to run it! Keep checking it for crazy, useless crap.

Here’s something you might find amusing. I laughed when I saw this. WordPress is pretty good about telling me how you guys get to my page. Some click on a link through FB, a few from my quickly flagged advertisement ads on CL, and one or two through search engines, like this one…

my neighbor pussy

“my neighbor pussy”? Someone, somewhere, did a search for “my neighbor pussy” and ended up on this blog. Wow! Is it sad that I’m almost flattered?

 

OK, enough about me… Do you want to see a couple of random crazy ads? Sure you do! Let’s see what I can pull out of my desktop junk folder.


Rape Fantasy

I hate to be the one to tell you this, buddy, but you’ve been reading way too much porn lately and it’s time for you to join us back here in reality where women don’t actually answer ads on CL volunteering to have a random stranger bust into her house and rape her. Who the fuck told you this ad would work?



Rest Area

This had to be a comical display. Oh, to be a fly on the wall at the Walker rest area that lovely afternoon. I guess the scene from “There’s Something about Mary” was true; Highway rest areas really are bath houses for for many, many, many, many gay men.


Jeff Gordon Coffin

Coffin Pic

The fuck! How is this a “fabulous man cave item”? I suppose if you’re a big time Jeff Gordon fan, I can almost see it, but would you really nap in this damn thing?


On the DL

I’m not gonna lie. This ad actually makes the idea of man on man sausage play sound pretty bad ass. Only in Detroit could this happen.

***In case you didn’t know (because I’m all about sharing useless info with you tonight), this CL ad represents the true meaning of the phrase “down low”.

Down Low

 

Have a good night, my friends. Talk to you soon!

Full Monte

Nice, Firm Body

Hot Little Blond

His Version:

“Now here’s a chick I could settle down with”, he thinks to himself as he spots her in the electronics section looking at the TV’s with another girl who appears to be slightly younger. He can’t help but take notice of her nice, firm body. That’s what he looks for in a younger woman. Really, the blond hair is what did it for him.

He stands there for a few seconds pretending to look at DVDs while he secretly gazes at her glorious pale skin.

He decides it’s probably best he just leave her be and get over to the groceries section on the other side of the store. She’s too young for an older guy like him, anyway. Since he turned 45, he’s started to feel a little self-conscious about talking to a girl that young, but, of course, he’ll try if given the opportunity.

He makes his way to the beer aisle and grabs a case of Coors Light and then continues down to the frozen food section to find tonight’s dinner. “Another fantastic Thursday evening”, he says under his breath while he stares blankly at the TV dinners and all the choices in front of him. “Fried chicken. Meatloaf. Lasagna!”

He opens the glass door and reaches up to the Stouffer’s shelf when she, once again, catches his eye. She’s standing by the women’s bathroom apparently watching the cart while she waits for her friend. He smiles and thinks “here’s my chance”.

Swiftly, he moves to catch up with her, making it through the self-checkout station in record time. He races towards the Eye Center and gets right up behind the two ladies as they walk out of the north entrance and into the parking lot

Her voice is so soft and gentle. She smiles and says something about her sister buying a TV with a gift card she got for Christmas. He wants to say something witty, but he keeps it casual as he walks between the two women until they drift off towards a red VW Beetle.

He looks back as she gets into her car and drives off into the night.

“Where the hell did I park?”

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­
Her Version:

The last thing she wanted to do on a Thursday evening was take her unappreciative little sister to Wal-Mart when she has so much going on this week. She wished she could just say “no”, but it was part of the deal she made with their father the day he bought her that ’03 VW Beetle. On the morning of her 17th birthday (a mere four months prior), she walked outside for her jog and spotted the shiny red love machine in the driveway with a big white bow and a huge sign that said “Happy Birthday, sweet girl!” In her state of unimaginable bliss, she promised her father the world, which, unfortunately, included taking her sister to run errands if she needed to go somewhere.

For Christmas, the little brat got a Wal-Mart gift card from creepy Uncle Dave out in California, so she was determined to buy a TV for her bedroom. Whatever… It’s her money. She got out of taking her little sister the day after Christmas, but tonight, she had no choice.

She’s standing in the electronics section patiently waiting on the little slut to make a decision on her TV when she notices a creepy, middle aged white man standing by a DVD display pretending to be looking for a movie. “Is that ‘High School Musical 2’ he’s got in his hands?” A couple of times she catches him staring and then darting his eyes away as soon as she looks in his general direction. She turned to ask her sister if she also noticed this freak of nature, but when she looked back, he was gone.

She stood there for a few minutes trying to get the image out of her mind, and she’s feeling a little frightened. As soon as the TV was loaded in a cart and paid for, she was ready to get to the car and get out of there. But of course, her sister had to pee before they left.

Great!

Her heart races the moment she notices the strange old man come up behind her as they walk out of the store. She deliberately lets him walk in front of her so she didn’t have to experience the awkwardness of knowing he would be checking out her ass. She tells him about her sister wanting to buy the TV with her gift card because he’s right there, so she might as well be polite. As soon as the candy red Beetle is in site, the sisters load the TV and take off only to see the man one more brief moment walking towards an older mini-van on the complete opposite side of the parking lot.

She thinks to herself, “I gotta get out of this town!”

Mini Van

Friends of a non-sexual nature

Advice Columb

 

Great questions, Ms. Serious for Platonic. I think you’re on the right track with your doubt in whether or not it’s possible for a man and a woman to be strictly platonic. While it’s true that most men do associate a female friendship with sex, there are sincere and good men out there who will respect you and your boundaries and genuinely value your true friendship… Just not on CL.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times… This isn’t Hello Cupid (or whatever the hell that dating site is called). There are no chemistry tests in this place and you don’t get to choose who you want to chat with based on a thorough study of the guy’s personality traits. If you want quality men who are serious about having a true and real friendship with no accidental tit grab while hugging after coffee at IHOP on the south side of town so he won’t run into his wife’s family, I would advise you to look elsewhere. Somebody lied to you when they told you this was a great place to meet men.

Also… “Casual Encounters” boards are for amateurs who actually believe it’s that simple to find free sex in any given city. If you think that ad from the woman begging to recreate the action scene from “Up Your Ass #12” is real, you are seriously mistaken. Like there’s really THAT many women just sitting at home holding a cold strap-on watching the rain and wishing some random stranger would come over and keep her company. No mam. Those are all fake ads from guys in Argentina trying to scam you out of a buck, and the next thing you know, you’re savings is gone, your truck is repoed, and you’re sitting at home crying for your Russian bride who swore she was real.

I mean I’m guessing… That didn’t happen to me.

The legitimate action is in the “Strictly Platonic” section where there are real women who actually live down the street. Sure it’s just a platonic meeting, but there’s always a chance that you, too, might have a FWB agenda, only you’re hiding it under the guise of “friends of a non-sexual nature”. I’m not saying you are, I’m just reiterating how a guy who answers ads on CL might think.

You appear to be a really nice lady. It seems as though you really are looking for something real, and I commend you for that. My advice to you, my friend, is to just stay away from CL all together. Unless you enjoy beating yourself on the head with your laptop over and over and over again, I suggest you invest the time it takes sign up for a free dating site. Or at the very least, you should stick to websites where it’s understood that normal human behavior does not comprise of introducing oneself with a nice, big, full size image of one’s purple headed warrior of love. You will not find that type of sophistication on CL. I’m sorry. You won’t.

Good luck to you, mam.

Iranian Protesters