Hot girl with a nice body

Young Girl with a Nice Body

I can only assume you’re not serious about this ad. You can’t be. Unless you’re willing to shell out a fair amount of cash, you, sir, are in no position to be making any kind of demands with a request like this. Let’s step into the real world for a minute and think about the possibilities of you finding a girl to hook up with tonight who is…

  1. Young
  2. Hot
  3. Has a great body
  4. Sitting at home on a Saturday night reading CL ads

If, by this general description, you are referring to a chick who resembles the guy who plays Mike on the CBS hit comedy series “Mike and Molly”… You may, indeed get lucky.

Mike

This ad reminds me that I should post one for myself asking if anyone with a 1961 Ferrari 250 GT is willing to let me take it for a spin one weekend. Which of the two ads do you think would yield better results?

Good luck to you, sir.

In Safe Hands

Male Babysitter

Did you even think this ad through before you hit the submit button? I could be wrong, but I’m fairly certain your name just got put on the watch list of potential child predators and Chris Hansen may come knocking at your door. Nothing about this ad sounds legitimate. Nothing.

Good luck finding someone who will trust you with their child  If you really insist on following through with this male babysitting dream job, you seriously need to start over with this ad and DO NOT include any of the following statements (or anything similar);

  • My experience with children is far from limited.
  • I would be willing to accept less pay than the standard babysitter.
  • My resume includes volunteering in local preschool class.
  • I am willing to play all kinds of games with your children and keep them active throughout the day.
  • I know what it takes to take care of children from ages of 1 years of age and up.
  • I ensure that your children will be in safe hands.
  • You will not regret it!

Let’s try this again and do our best not to sound too eager about being around children.

Sandusky Pedobear

You Asked For It

A couple of days ago I was bored and didn’t have any great ideas to share with you guys, so I wrote up a quick CL ad to see what kind of entertainment I could find. There’s nothing more amusing than texting someone who’s as witty and tasteless as you and I and believe it or not, I’ve made many good friends like this.

Here’s what I came up with…

My ad - boobs

I posted this one in the San Diego personals section for no other reason than I like the place. I didn’t get a huge response from it, but I did meet a really awesome chick from Oceanside, CA (wherever that’s at) who responded with a simple:

“You sound wicked fun!”

Well thank you, my new friend!

Aside from that, I got the usual spam from 6 different email addresses that contain identical messages, only slightly different. They’re actually quite amusing, and I would have some fun with them, but these guys don’t play nice. All they want is your email address and then they flood your spam file with sites that promise you’ll “Get laid tonight!” Hell yes! Sign me up!

Here’s an example of one of these priceless responses. It sounds totally legit!

FROM: Crowe Matern

Are you the man for me? I am 19 yrs old and read your response and would like to get to know you further. Ive always dreamt about meeting a stranger online for absolute good times. I do not care who you are, what you do as long as you’re safe. Oh and this must be highly discreet as I dont want my friends to think Im a slut because Im not! Just interested in NSA hope youre on the same page as me. I tried sending you my cell # but it bounced back so I uploaded my # on my profile for you. Get hold of it and text me, I DON’T check emails typically. I also added more steamy pictures for your eyes only. Anyways, Im down for anything so text me something dirty and Ill tell you my fantasy. Are you hosting or am I? L8rs! 🙂

c1

It hurts me to know I can’t respond to this. I want to so bad!

I had just about lost hope that I wouldn’t get any wildly inappropriate responses until I checked my email after work yesterday. That’s when I was introduced to Leonardi. He had no idea who’s ad he responded to…

Leonardi:

just walk in, stand in front of me as I rest on the couch and begin to strip exactly as I say

Oh yea?? Well it’s nice to meet you Leonardi! Did you totally skip the part in the ad where I said I was a blogger? You asked for it.

Me:

Interesting. I must say… I did not expect a response like this one to my CL ad. I’m pretty sure I made it obvious that I’m a middle aged man and I’m looking for a woman. As a matter of fact, I’m looking at the subject line right now and it clearly says “Looking for a female”. Right above it, in the “To” section, I see the name “Leonardi”. That leads me to believe you are a sir. Am I correct?

Luckily for you, I’m a pretty open minded individual, so fuck it… Let’s talk about it.

I can see how you might consider this fun, but unfortunately, it’s not as simple as you’re making it sound to just “walk right in”. I mean if I already knew you and where you lived and what you were about, then yea… That could work. But since we’re two perfect strangers, there’s so much to work out. Geez… Where do I begin?

  • Do you mean tonight? You know the series premiere of “The Following” comes on in about an hour and I was planning on watching it. Can we maybe plan for tomorrow night instead? Wait… I’ve got plans tomorrow night. Maybe Wednesday would work. How’s your schedule look?
  • Where am I going? A house or apartment? If the later, is there a gate code to enter the property? What building are you in? Where can I park?
  • Do you mean to literally walk in the residence without knocking on the door? If so, I assume it will be unlocked, if not open a little bit? My concern is this… What if I get the address mixed up and I accidentally walk into the wrong house  or apt. That would be awkward for all involved and then your neighbors will judge you because I would have to explain to them exactly how I ended up at their place, and I don’t want to cause waves at your home. I’m not that kind of guy.
  • Is this going to be some sort of BDSM scenario where I’m not allowed to speak unless asked a specific question, or should I formally introduce myself, shake your hand and maybe chit chat for a minute?
  • Do I at least get a beer from you or something to drink? It’s kinda rude to have over a guest and not offer them at least something to drink. Don’t you agree?
  • How do you want me dressed? Should I wear one of the pairs of used panties I recently picked up on CL, or is this just a “come as you are” type meeting?
  • Is there a particular fetish you have that I need to be aware of? I don’t usually like surprises in these types of situations, so it would be great if you were up front with what exactly you have in mind. I like to be prepared.
  • Are there going to be other people present or is it just you and I?
  • Are you offering any type compensation for this? I’m not sure you’re aware, but the going rate for spitting in a guy’s face is $35 so I feel like I should get something for giving you an awesome strip show. That’s fair, right?

I guess that’s all I can think of for the moment. If I come up with anything else, I’ll let you know. Be thinking about what kind of cash you’re offering for this fun little game, you Magic Mike lovin fruit queen. I’ll be looking forward to your response.

Oh one more thing… Do you mind if I bring along a buddy to film the action? He’s been dying to capture some shit like this?

Leonardi didn’t write me back which is a little disappointing. I thought he was serious about talking this through. I’ll keep you posted if I hear anything back.

Snuggle Time

College Cuddle

Oh come on, man! Are you kidding me? Is this who you think is going to answer your ad…?

Auburn cheerleader

If you actually believe some 19 year old Auburn coed is sitting in her dorm lurking CL for an older man to cuddle with, you must be smoking some good shit, my friend. And I’m not talking about that raggedy reggie your broke ass buddy smokes either. We all enjoyed reading your half ass attempt to validate the need for physical contact, but it’s pretty obvious you’re full of shit.

Clever ruse, but we’re not buying it.

If, for some insane reason, you do get a response, it’ll most likely be from a handsome gal who bears a frightening resemblance to a young Jackie Gleason and has a history of stalking any man who pays attention to her. Good luck getting rid of that one. I’d think twice before going through with this brilliant plan if I were you. Let’s re-think this strategy and try again.

Oh, and one more thing… consider your man card officially revoked for using the phrase “snuggle time”, you dazzling daisy.

Revoked

Late Night Storyteling

Straight Bear

I have a great idea. Why don’t we take a really good look at your brilliantly written CL ad and gain a good understanding of just how ridiculous it sounds. Here’s my version of what you just said (with the exception of this “straight bear” business that I’m not even going to touch because that’s a whole other email):

Intelligent, funny, middle aged white man with a gut looking for a tall, hot blond for outdoor sex, trips to the strip club, and sleepovers with her equally hot best friend. Big boobs a plus, shaved sausage wallet a must. I love a woman who cooks a damn good chicken fried steak, irons my shirts once a week, and is generally capable of good housekeeping. I can be incredibly charming, make you laugh, and shave your shit. It would be great if you were really smart and enjoy intellectual conversation.

How about we both wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first. Are you fucking crazy? Do you really believe this perfect man is reading CL and looking for a chubby chick? No offense, but we chubby folk don’t have a huge selection of potential mates out there, so let’s lower our standards just a smidge and start aiming for some lower hanging fruit. Either he’s big and burly and manly, or he’s smart and enjoys storytelling and picnics. You can’t have it both ways, my fairy tale dreaming friend. It’s one or the other.

Let me know if he answers your ad and tell me all about your first date. I’m sure it’ll be a fascinating story.

Good luck to you, mam.

Wake up

Needing Reggie

Need Reggie

Hey, man! I definitely have drugs for sell if you are interested. I know a cop who is dirty and he gets some really good marijuana out of the evidence room and sells it cheap. I can get you a good deal for a big bag of the stuff and will even let you try it before you decide to buy. Personally, I hate cops and I think they are all pigs, but the guy has connections, so I have to deal with him. If he ever turns on me, I will not hesitate to bust a cap in his ass. You know what I mean, gangster?

Here’s how this is going to work. You tell me how much drugs you want to purchase and be very specific about exactly what you want. Reply to this email with your name and cell phone number so we can discuss specific details. I usually make these deals at the Motel 6 on I35 near E Oltorf. I will text you with the room number and give you a specific time to be there. Please do not show up early or late. If I tell you to be there at 7 PM, you must show up at that exact time. I will let you know how much I am selling the drugs for and you must have that exact amount of cash on your person when you arrive at the designated spot. Please don’t be nervous if you see some cars in the parking lot that resemble police vehicles. It is not unusual to notice multiple Crown Victorias in the parking lot at this particular motel. Again… Please do not be alarmed. Calmly walk to the door with your hands out of your pockets and knock three times. That will be our secret code so I know you are cool.

If you have any other buddies in your hood that would like to buy, please send them my way. I can get good weed, cocaine, ecstasy, and meth. I might be able to score some heroin too, but you have to give me time for that. Just let me know.

Email me back soon. I’d like to make this deal before the end of the month. Be cool, my friend.

Sincerely,

Not a cop

Undercover

 

***I’m a big believer in giving credit where credit is due. I recently came across a twitter profile of a guy who calls himself Not a Cop and I literally laughed my ass off when I read it. The guy is hilarious! His profile is the inspiration for the post you just read. In case you are wondering, yes… I really did send this to the guy who posted the CL ad (minus the “undercover” pic). We’ll see if he writes us back.