Masculine Hunk of a Man

Good evening my friends. Happy day before Friday! It’s a cold and drizzly night here in Texas and there’s nothing better to do than sit at this dining room table and figure out what I want to talk about next. I did something a little different this time because I’m all about trying new things. Also, there are no rules in this place so what the hell.

There’s a section in CL called “missed connections” where you post an ad for that stranger you saw out on the streets but didn’t have the balls to speak to because who the hell wants to add “get rejected” to the list of things to do while running routine errands. The theory is that maybe this person also noticed you and felt the same connection. Hopefully, the said stranger reads the missed connections posts faithfully just like you do and he or she will miraculously come across your ad and contact you for a date and you both live happily ever after. I suppose it’s possible.

When I read these ads, I try to imagine what’s going on in each person’s life and what they were thinking when the scenario took place. Likely, neither one of them are on the same page, and if we look closely at who they really are, it’s probably best that the two didn’t actually meet. I pulled a random ad from the Chicago CL and tried to have fun with it.

Enjoy…


Tall Bearded Gentleman

Her version:

It’s another uneventful Friday night as she pulls her silver Honda Accord into the Target parking lot. She thinks to herself, “my life has become a mundane, zombie like existence”. She’s just another mid-twenties single gal trying to make the most her poorly paid nanny position and she’s starting to wonder if she should start dating again. She didn’t think the holidays were going to be this tough.

She’s in the home section of the store in the bath towel aisle when she starts thinking about her life over the last ten months or so.

Ever since she finally ended things with her longtime boyfriend one week after Valentine’s Day, she’d been trying to focus on herself. At first, she spent many nights out with the girls desperately attempting to fill the void left from her broken relationship. Now she’s just trying to pick up the pieces of her life and move forward as a new woman. Sure, he was more than inconsiderate, and yes, he could be quite the asshole, but he was a nice enough guy. He had his moments of genuine kindness and it felt incredible to wake up in his arms. That’s what she missed the most. Unfortunately he really wasn’t what she ultimately wanted. More than anything, he just didn’t fit in with the image of the man she believed she would end up with when she daydreamed as a little girl.  Secretly, she’s always wanted a manly-man. A big and tall mountain man with a thick beard and a burly build. He represents himself with deep-seated confidence and he’s not afraid to be seen in Target buying toys for his sister’s kid. He’s really tall and gentle and has a big heart.

Suddenly she snaps back to reality as she pushes her cart up to check out station 17 with a kid in tow thinking about how she dreads another boring Christmas Eve with her meddling mother and her “know it all” father who drinks way too much. Hopefully creepy Uncle Dave will keep the inappropriate comments to a minimum this year. Also, she is in no mood to deal with another one of his famous neck massages.

She’s leaning against the credit card machine stand with one hand under her chin when the sound of a barking toy dog goes off as the man behind her starts placing his items on the conveyor belt.


His Version:

“Look at the ass on that bitch! Look at the titties!” He doesn’t care much for short hair, but she’ll do. Hell, look how tall she is?

He sees her for the first time in the bath towel section as he briskly cruises down the main aisle to get to the checkout area after picking up that annoying as fuck barking toy dog that his damn niece wants. Like he has time to be shopping at fucking Target of all places. He’s got to get home before 7 or his ankle monitor will go off and he doesn’t want to have to deal with his hard ass parole officer any more than he has to. After noticing this young little vixen, he suddenly decides he has a few extra minutes and proceeds to linger in the greeting card section and wait for her to walk by so he can get a better view of all that deliciousness.

Shit…She’s got a kid.

He slowly creeps up behind her while she’s checking out on station 17. He starts piling his shit on the conveyor belt when that piece of shit dog toy starts barking and making a ruckus. “Oh that’s funny to you?” he thinks to himself as she laughs and mumbles something about the gay, purple box the damn toy is packaged in. He wants to say what he’s really thinking; “You aint gonna be laughing when I put you in the buck next to the shelving unit in the back of my windowless white van.” Instead he chuckles and says something stupid about his real dog not appreciating something. Shit, he doesn’t even own a dog!

He fixates on her wide ass as she walks away, and then pays for his crap and leaves. She sure is taking her sweet ass time getting to her car. She better quit looking back at him!


 

***When I originally published this blog entry late Thursday evening, the content that follows sat at the top of the page. After I re-read the post several times over, I decided it really had no place here and actually should be published at another time. I went back and forth trying to decide what to do with it, and untimely decided it will stay…but down here. Think of it as an added bonus to an already great post.

In the spirit of giving you some visuals of my surroundings, allow me to introduce you to a few props in my little work area here at the dining room table.

My friends love to harass me about the fact that I have plastic cows laying around like I’m some sort of a freak with a squeeze toy fetish. So I like cows. Get off my nuts about it.

Plastic Cows

Here’s a gem I just picked up tonight. After work I didn’t want to come home right away so I stopped by Goodwill on 79 over by the Auto Zone and went browsing for something I couldn’t live without. I was near the sporting goods area trying to avoid some screaming kids when I began going through the bin of wall pictures and such. That’s when I came across this 2 ft tall super sweet, tin picture of two running bison (who incidentally have no business on this remarkable piece of art since it says “BIG BULL”. Am I crazy or should there should be actual bulls in this picture?). Regardless, this bad bitch is swimming in awesomeness. Hell. Yes.

Big Bull Session

One thought on “Masculine Hunk of a Man

  1. Pingback: Monday Review – NYE | The Buttershoot Blogger

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