I don’t think you’re being fair. I’m all about being a friendly neighbor and helping out any one that I can, but cigs are expensive these days. I can barely afford to buy them for myself, much less for a perfect stranger. I respect that you’re attempting a non traditional way of getting free smokes, but there’s got to be some sort of mutual agreement if I’m supporting your habit. Baby you at least gotta fondle my hairy balls. That’s only fair, don’t you agree? I actually think a sloppy mouth hug is a legitimate trade for two packs of Pall Malls, but I get it… You don’t wanna be a slut about it. That’s cool and all but you gotta meet me halfway here. You don’t even have to actually take the balls into your mouth or anything crazy like that. Just put them in your hands and gently massage them for a little bit. Oh and it would be great if you were topples as well. I know that sounds strange, but it just makes the whole experience so much more enjoyable. Also, I may start groaning a little bit but I promise I won’t be too loud. I don’t know your living situation so I’ll be respectful and not make a lot of ruckus. I tend to get really into it, too, so you might feel some pretty severe twitching going on down there. Not to worry… It’s all part of the process. The whole ordeal should only take a couple of hours so I hope you’re not real busy tonight. It’s ok if you need to take a smoke break at some point, just please don’t accidentally burn me because that would not be cool. I refuse to go back to the emergency room and get laughed at again for something some may consider out of the ordinary. Like I’m the only who’s ever lost a GI Joe action figure in an orifice that’s not meant to handle that type of hard plastic. There really should be a warning label on those things. My probation officer seems to think I have a law suit on my hands, but that’s neither here nor there.
Anyway, let me know when you wanna do this. I can drop by later this evening but I need to be home at a decent hour. Real Sex 77 debuts tonight and I don’t wanna miss the part about people with ventriloquist balloon fetishes. Talk about a bunch of freaks, right?
Oh one more thing… Would you be apposed to wearing a Mitt Romney Halloween mask and talking in a deep voice?