My asshole itches really badly. That ever happen to you? Like I really wanna stick my fingers in there and move them around to give it a good scratch, but the last time I did that it led to a place I never dreamed I would go. The next thing I know, I’m naked on the bed doggystyle with a ball gag in my mouth and three fingers in my glazed hole while I’m pumping a Fleshlight Motion toy I bought on the interwebz one night when I was high as a kite. I don’t think I have to describe to you the look on my girlfriend’s face when she walked in unexpectedly that Saturday afternoon. Thank goodness she hadn’t left any dirty panties around that day or she would have thought I was a total freak. It’s kind of a funny story now that she’s my ex, but at the time it was. . .umm. . .awkward, to say the least.
Anyways. . . Hope you’re having a fantastic day! Me? Well I’m just gonna continue sitting on my couch rotating my thighcaps to give me some sort of relief.
*Earlier when I typed out the word “Fleshlight”, Microsoft Word gave me the stink eye because apparently it’s too conservative for my perverted mind, so I asked Dr. Google what he knew about the word. This was his suggestion…
I’m not sure what’s worse. The fact that this headline jumped out at me, that I actually read the entire review, or that I considered actually buying one. But then the author shared this piece of brilliant insight:
“Seriously, there’s nothing that kills a boner faster than the self-awareness that comes from being balls deep in a piece of furniture.”
Touché Adam Frucci. Touché.
**Curious if anyone knows how to find a gig where you try out this type of product and write a review. I’m asking for a friend.