Monday Review – NYE

Good evening, my friends, and HAPPY NEW YEAR! I assume a lot of you are preparing for hot night out on the town right about now. I’m sure it’s going to be EPIC for some of you! Me? Well I’m going to sit here at this dining room table eating Cocoa Pebbles and prepare another brilliant post for you, because that’s what I do. I’ve come to enjoy these Monday night posts, and I hope you do to.

Because I love you, I have a treat for you this evening. Since WordPress tells me I’m getting a hint of exposure in Canada, I thought I’d spend some time there and see what kind of freaks are posting ads in the personals section. I can only assume that if they like this blog, there must be something wild going on up there. Guess what? I was so right! More on that later.

First let’s talk about what happened this week because you care.

  • Masculine Hunk of a Man – I utilized a different style of writing and put together a post that tells the story of an encounter between a man and a woman from two very different angles. I’m working on more of these to be published in the near future.
  • Spreading your wings – This guy tried to be creative by comparing his potential mate to a bird, but he failed miserably. I didn’t feel I needed to elaborate any more than I did. Apparently you like the shorter posts so I’ll work on publishing more for you.
  • Don’t know much about it – This ad seems terribly suspicious. How are you going to attempt to sell something technical like a computer and not provide ANY information on it at all? I wrote this up in my “101 questions” style, but on a much smaller scale. I think it turned out well.

As always, make sure to visit the FB fan page for funny pics, blog updates, and other useless crap. You never know what you might find.

A special thanks to my crazy, pussy pops eating neighbor on the second floor for his assistance with the new banner you see above. This was a result of a late night experiment with a cardboard box and a dirty parking lot. What do you think?

If you’ll turn your attention to the right, you’ll notice a text box in the menu area that says “Follow”. That means you. Click to subscribe to this ridiculous blog and receive emails the second a new blog is posted. Do it.

Should we talk about Canada now? You’re not going to believe the ads I found…


Nude Guy Ad

I don’t speak French, but my buddy, Dr. Google, does. It really doesn’t matter what this ad is asking for because my answer is “NO”, but let’s hear it anyway:

Are you single and nudist tonight?

Male, 55 years, smoking, nudist 24/7, looking for other nudist friends and have a good time.

Discrimination, man or woman, regardless of your looks or your age.

If you want to spend a few hours in the pleasure of nudity and listen to the Bye-Bye with me, I welcome you with a bottle.

OK so maybe Dr Google isn’t what you would consider “fluent” in the language, but you get the general Idea. Anybody interested in hanging out with this guy while listening to Bye-Bye?


Kennel

Is this guy serious? I can’t figure out if his use of the word “dog” is meant literally or figuratively. Does he really have the desire to live in a kennel next to an actual German Sheppard? He’s a grown ass man! WTF! I have a pretty wild imagination, but this?? This takes the cake.


Diapers

Seriously, where do you guys come up with this shit?? “Doing my schoolwork while wearing a soggy Pull-up”? I’m not going to sit here and pretend like I know what it’s like to sit in a dirty diaper for a long period of time, but I gotta think that feels disgusting! Wouldn’t that get all itchy and uncomfortable? I would definitely want to be changed right away!


Dating Your Wife

The fuck? NO! Someone please explain to me like a four year old who would actually agree to something like this? What man in his right mind is going to voluntarily allow another man to come into his house and make him sleep on the floor? Please tell me this isn’t normal behavior in Canada.


Ellectro Shock

I asked Dr Google to translate this ad for me as well and his response was “I’m not touching that one you sick fuck.” I don’t think you can fully appreciate this photo until you see it enlarged. Let me do that for you…

Electro

You’re welcome.

This looks eerily similar to the time I underwent a sleep study from a guy who claimed to be a Dr. I’m starting to wonder about that experience now, and I feel violated.  This explains a lot.

Talk to you soon, my loyal followers. Happy New Year!

antidepressants

Don’t know much about it

Looking to Trade

What do you mean you “don’t know much about it”? You gotta give me something, bro.

  • What’s the model of the computer? How big is the hard drive? How much RAM? What year was it purchased?
  • How big is the monitor? Are there any issues with it? Does it flicker? How good is the quality when watching…um…videos on it?
  • Are there any stains on the keyboard? Do any of the letters stick?
  • Why is there only one speaker?
  • Are you also including that killa sweet stuffed eagle I see on the desk? That would go great with my plastic cow collection.
  • Do I need to worry about anything illegal or out of the ordinary on the hard drive that could get me thrown into a Pennsylvania prison?
  • I’m not sure you’re totally aware of what year this is, but is a colossal setup and it is not at all appealing. What kind of a value are your placing on this system your grandma uses? What exactly do you have in mind to trade?
  • Are you interested in trading for a service. Hypothetically speaking, let’s say I’m a pimp and one of my girls has an open appointment this evening. Do you think we could work something out?
  • I’ve been looking for a desk similar to yours for a “how to” video my girlfriend and I are putting together. Do you mind if we utilize it for a about 20 minutes or so? That “Parking Only” sign is right in line with the direction we’re going so I think it’ll work out nicely.
  • Does this system actually belong to you or is this picture taken at your neighbor’s house while they’re on an Alaskan cruise?

Hope to hear from you soon. I’m confident we can work out a deal.

 

***At the time of this publishing, 8 hours have passed and I don’t think our friend here is going to write us back. I’ll let you know if that changes.

Spreading your wings

Hum Bird

I realize it’s not easy to write a great ad that grabs the attention of your typical CL whore female. With so many thousands of ads on this website from horny guys like the two of us, you need to think of something extremely witty and entertaining to say without sounding too creepy or perverted. You, my friend, succeeded in sounding like you live in a basement in your mother’s house and you play sick games with the women you keep in cages down there. This is the gayest shit I’ve ever seen and I used to be a roadie for The Wiggles.

 Wiggles

 

Fail. Go back and try again. And for fuck’s sake, stay away from any animal references. It’s not cute. Let it go.

Masculine Hunk of a Man

Good evening my friends. Happy day before Friday! It’s a cold and drizzly night here in Texas and there’s nothing better to do than sit at this dining room table and figure out what I want to talk about next. I did something a little different this time because I’m all about trying new things. Also, there are no rules in this place so what the hell.

There’s a section in CL called “missed connections” where you post an ad for that stranger you saw out on the streets but didn’t have the balls to speak to because who the hell wants to add “get rejected” to the list of things to do while running routine errands. The theory is that maybe this person also noticed you and felt the same connection. Hopefully, the said stranger reads the missed connections posts faithfully just like you do and he or she will miraculously come across your ad and contact you for a date and you both live happily ever after. I suppose it’s possible.

When I read these ads, I try to imagine what’s going on in each person’s life and what they were thinking when the scenario took place. Likely, neither one of them are on the same page, and if we look closely at who they really are, it’s probably best that the two didn’t actually meet. I pulled a random ad from the Chicago CL and tried to have fun with it.

Enjoy…


Tall Bearded Gentleman

Her version:

It’s another uneventful Friday night as she pulls her silver Honda Accord into the Target parking lot. She thinks to herself, “my life has become a mundane, zombie like existence”. She’s just another mid-twenties single gal trying to make the most her poorly paid nanny position and she’s starting to wonder if she should start dating again. She didn’t think the holidays were going to be this tough.

She’s in the home section of the store in the bath towel aisle when she starts thinking about her life over the last ten months or so.

Ever since she finally ended things with her longtime boyfriend one week after Valentine’s Day, she’d been trying to focus on herself. At first, she spent many nights out with the girls desperately attempting to fill the void left from her broken relationship. Now she’s just trying to pick up the pieces of her life and move forward as a new woman. Sure, he was more than inconsiderate, and yes, he could be quite the asshole, but he was a nice enough guy. He had his moments of genuine kindness and it felt incredible to wake up in his arms. That’s what she missed the most. Unfortunately he really wasn’t what she ultimately wanted. More than anything, he just didn’t fit in with the image of the man she believed she would end up with when she daydreamed as a little girl.  Secretly, she’s always wanted a manly-man. A big and tall mountain man with a thick beard and a burly build. He represents himself with deep-seated confidence and he’s not afraid to be seen in Target buying toys for his sister’s kid. He’s really tall and gentle and has a big heart.

Suddenly she snaps back to reality as she pushes her cart up to check out station 17 with a kid in tow thinking about how she dreads another boring Christmas Eve with her meddling mother and her “know it all” father who drinks way too much. Hopefully creepy Uncle Dave will keep the inappropriate comments to a minimum this year. Also, she is in no mood to deal with another one of his famous neck massages.

She’s leaning against the credit card machine stand with one hand under her chin when the sound of a barking toy dog goes off as the man behind her starts placing his items on the conveyor belt.


His Version:

“Look at the ass on that bitch! Look at the titties!” He doesn’t care much for short hair, but she’ll do. Hell, look how tall she is?

He sees her for the first time in the bath towel section as he briskly cruises down the main aisle to get to the checkout area after picking up that annoying as fuck barking toy dog that his damn niece wants. Like he has time to be shopping at fucking Target of all places. He’s got to get home before 7 or his ankle monitor will go off and he doesn’t want to have to deal with his hard ass parole officer any more than he has to. After noticing this young little vixen, he suddenly decides he has a few extra minutes and proceeds to linger in the greeting card section and wait for her to walk by so he can get a better view of all that deliciousness.

Shit…She’s got a kid.

He slowly creeps up behind her while she’s checking out on station 17. He starts piling his shit on the conveyor belt when that piece of shit dog toy starts barking and making a ruckus. “Oh that’s funny to you?” he thinks to himself as she laughs and mumbles something about the gay, purple box the damn toy is packaged in. He wants to say what he’s really thinking; “You aint gonna be laughing when I put you in the buck next to the shelving unit in the back of my windowless white van.” Instead he chuckles and says something stupid about his real dog not appreciating something. Shit, he doesn’t even own a dog!

He fixates on her wide ass as she walks away, and then pays for his crap and leaves. She sure is taking her sweet ass time getting to her car. She better quit looking back at him!


 

***When I originally published this blog entry late Thursday evening, the content that follows sat at the top of the page. After I re-read the post several times over, I decided it really had no place here and actually should be published at another time. I went back and forth trying to decide what to do with it, and untimely decided it will stay…but down here. Think of it as an added bonus to an already great post.

In the spirit of giving you some visuals of my surroundings, allow me to introduce you to a few props in my little work area here at the dining room table.

My friends love to harass me about the fact that I have plastic cows laying around like I’m some sort of a freak with a squeeze toy fetish. So I like cows. Get off my nuts about it.

Plastic Cows

Here’s a gem I just picked up tonight. After work I didn’t want to come home right away so I stopped by Goodwill on 79 over by the Auto Zone and went browsing for something I couldn’t live without. I was near the sporting goods area trying to avoid some screaming kids when I began going through the bin of wall pictures and such. That’s when I came across this 2 ft tall super sweet, tin picture of two running bison (who incidentally have no business on this remarkable piece of art since it says “BIG BULL”. Am I crazy or should there should be actual bulls in this picture?). Regardless, this bad bitch is swimming in awesomeness. Hell. Yes.

Big Bull Session

(Late) Monday Review

Merry Christmas, my friends! I’m sitting here at my dining room table pecking out this blog post on my POS laptop that suddenly has a mind of its own. In the middle of the Christmas season when all my extra money is spent on gifts, the little bastard thought it would be funny if suddenly the battery didn’t work. As long as its plugged in all the time it works great except the fucker also likes to spit out the power cord if I have it on my lap and move it a certain way. I’ll be in the middle of typing up an unsaved word document and then… BAMB! Total black screen. I don’t think you fully appreciate how completely annoying that is. I mean it’s one thing if I’m just laying around looking at porn doing research for my next post for you guys, but it’s quite different if I’m actually doing something productive and can’t afford for this fucking computer to suddenly turn itself off completely. So now it’s permanently sitting on my dining room table and that seems to do the job for the moment. Why am I telling you all this? I guess because I’m bored and I figured I’d let you in on what’s going on in my little world at the present time.

OK I’m done.

Because yesterday was Christmas Eve, I did not post a Monday review and I know you were all terribly disappointed. I was just going through my texts and emails looking for anything that would show some sort of evidence that someone noticed I missed a scheduled blog post, but seriously, this is all I got…

Christmas Present Text

I really love you guys!

It’s been a great week for me and I found myself surrounded by lots of family and friends and it felt great. I can’t believe I actually found some time to give you attention, but I did. In case you missed it, here’s what happened:

  • Jonathan – I posted my own CL ad to see what would happen if I asked for money like I see so many others doing. I got an interesting proposition. I’m still waiting for his response to my reply.
  • Paperclips & Honey – By answering a “normal” ad with a somewhat “normal” response, I met a chick who could probably write a guest post here and fit right in. Meet Ms. Mackenzie, your new best friend.
  • Stacey’s Pussy Pops – I came across a lovely 22 yr old who sells used panties with an added twist. We had a wonderful conversation! Also… She did reply to my long winded email which is something I hadn’t come across before. Click here to see the update.

As always, make sure you visit the FB fan page for funny pics and random crap that falls out of my head. You never know what you might find.

My last Monday review was fun. I showed you five of the top CL ads I found that were truly out of this world. Of course, you know I have a whole lot more of this same crap. Are you interested in seeing more? No? Well tough titties. You’re getting them anyway. You can probably go ahead and stop reading now.

5) Contract Marriage

Contract Marriage

How exactly is this helping each other out? YOU get your wish to get out of Alaska and I get…? Just a friend? Yea that sounds like an awesome deal!

4) Need some a$$istance

Looking to give a BJ

Sounds like a Win-Win in my book! Why can’t more women have this attitude?

3) Wife won’t use it

Fantasy Swing

Did you stop to think about maybe having this conversation BEFORE you bought the damn swing? You’re a pretty shitty husband if you honestly didn’t know whether or not your wife would dig something this extreme. I sincerely hope you didn’t try to give this to her as an anniversary gift.

Traditional anniversary gifts

Anniversary Gift

2) Love Men in Women’s Clothing

Love Men in Womens Clothing

There’s nothing in this ad that indicates if this person is male or female. “We don’t have to have much in common”? Really?

1) It’s Official

It's Official

Well damn, you captivating cock lover! Tell us what you really want. I don’t think I wanna know what dude is on the other end of this ad sharing the same enthusiasm with you that “It’s Official!!”. What is, by the way? The fact that you’re leaving work at 1pm, or that you’re down for “Foreplay n edging”? I don’t even know WTF edging is, but it sounds disgusting!

Edging

Oh. I refrain from my previous statement. I see where you’re coming from with this.

Until next time! Have a great short work week. Happy New Year!

Stacey’s Pussy Pops

Pussy Pops

Me: Hey there! Your ad intrigues me. Do you actually make pretty good money selling used panties on CL? I see a lot of ads like this and I’m curious if this actually works. Also, how can I convince my girlfriend to get involved in the used panty business?

Stacey: Shut the fuck up

Me: Does that mean you won’t sell me any panties?

Stacey: Doesn’t sound like you want them

Me: Really I just wanted to get your attention because I’d like to chat with you. I’m thinking we could be email friends. What do you think, Stacey? You think we could have late night chats and talk about all sorts of fun stuff like strange fetishes people have? For example… Did you know there are guys out there that like to be kicked in the balls? That’s just odd to me! You ever kicked a guy in the balls while wearing high heel shoes and a schoolgirl uniform?

Stacey: Fuck off dick head and don’t waste my time.

Me: Why are you being so mean to me Stacey? I thought we had a connection? Are you having a bad day?

Stacey: People like you make me sick

Me: Me? What did I do? You’re the one selling panties and offering to cum in them for me. I’m just trying to make a new friend.

Stacey: If your not interested in underwear then fuck off.

If you are sendme the money to my PayPal account $50

Lilfunstacey@gmail.com

***OK so after I wrote the following long ass response and hit send, I went back and re-read the original posted ad. I realized that when she says “pussy pops”, she means a hard, candy lollipop which would actually not be an issue shipping it. I was thinking more along the lines of a Popsicle. That’s probably why she didn’t respond after this. That’s got to be it!***

Me: That’s a lot of money, Stacey! I have to assume you’re going to make it totally worth it for me to pay that kind of coinage, so let’s talk about this. Can I ask you a few simple questions?

1) How many pair do I get for my $50? For that kind of cash, I think you should throw in a couple of extra pussy pops for me and my neighbor to try because he’s a pretty crazy dude and I think he would really like them. He’s a fan of grape. I like cherry.

2) Speaking of the pussy pops, how do you keep them frozen? Even if you did mail them overnight express, wouldn’t they melt by the time they got here? I would think you would have to package them in some sort of a styrofoam cooler and include several packs of those ice bags to keep everything fresh, because the last thing I want (as a loyal customer) is to end up with a baggy full of cherry flavored Kool-Aid that contains a faint scent of feedlot. If you do take that much care into your packaging, I commend you on your sophisticated operation and I think you should travel around Australia giving seminars on how to run a successful cum-filled used panty business and include a full PowerPoint presentation on the frozen pussy pops division alone.

3) Are you a squirter? I’m really trying to figure out how one could differentiate a pair of panties you actually came in vs one that you simply played with yourself in. I realize I may seem a little picky about this, but it makes a difference. I’d like to see some evidence if you say you’re going to prepare my panties in a specific fashion. That’s just good business, Stacey.

4) What exactly do you mean by “pantie stuffing”? Nevermind… I’ll just look it up on Urban Dictionary.

Panty Stuffing

OK I get it now. I am very impressed with that added service! That’s something you don’t ever see in these types of ads! No wonder you charge so much for your panties. Bravo, Lil fun Stacey, Bravo!

5) I live in the States and I’m a little concerned about the whole export process we’re going to have to deal with to move the stuffed panties through customs. I’m sure there are specific codes to use for “women’s undergarments”, but it may be a little different if we are talking about “stuffed” undergarments. These guys at customs are such dicks, they may start getting into specifics, like “are they anally stuffed or vaginally stuffed?” I’m not sure that’s a conversation you’d be comfortable having while in line at the UPS store. I’ll get with my guy who actually works for UPS and see if he can give us some advice. The pussy pops may give us some trouble, though. Unless either of our Governments are hip to this particular level of fetish, I’m not sure how much of a hassle they’re going to give us. My concern is that some old guy sitting behind a desk is going to stick his big nose in our business and open my fresh package to inspect the pussy pops and if he decides they can’t go, then he’ll probably just eat them himself and then my neighbor is going to be terribly disappointed. Plus, I’ll lose my $50 and that’s a lot to give up this close to Christmas, don’t you think?

6) Based on your mood this evening (or afternoon… Not sure what time it is over there), it appears that you may be on your jellyfish sandwich at the moment. This brings up a whole new list of inquiries. If it’s true that you are menstruating, how does it affect my ship date for the stuffed panties? Should I wait until you’ve completed your cycle, or will you just stuff them anyways? Have you ever had a client specifically request this type of stuffed panty? I have this image of you stuffing a pair of white cotton granny panties in your fish mitten and having it come out looking like a red and white tie dyed shirt. Is that what would happen? I’d actually like to see that and I know damn well my neighbor would like to see it too!

Let me put some more thought into this and also talk to my UPS guy about the customs issue and we’ll move forward with my order. I’ll ask my neighbor if he’s down to try the pussy pops as well. He just won his fantasy football league this afternoon so he may be able to chip in. I’ll get back with you tomorrow with a final answer.

Talk to you soon, Stacey.

Oh… Is there any chance you could try the tie dye idea and take a pic for me? I think we just came up with a whole new market that no one has ever done before and I’m pretty excited about that!

lollipop fish

 

***UPDATE!! Stacey actually wrote me back after all that!

Stacey: Lucky you don’t live in Australia or you would of been fucked up

Me: Why is that?

Stacey: You are a walker

Me: Oh come on. You have to admit that was a little bit funny, no?

Also, I don’t know what a “walker” is.

Stacey: I mean wanker

Me:*This morning* Merry Christmas, Stacey!

No response. I don’t feel like she’s in the right holiday spirit.

Paperclips & Honey

Sometimes I get bored and I actually write a semi ordinary response to a perfectly normal ad I come across. I’m seriously trying to get a reply when I do this because it’s seometimes more fun to actually communicate with the voice behind the ad than it is to write a long winded email knowing you’ll never hear back unless it’s spam. Plus, it’s a good way to plug the blog and earn new followers. Occasionally I get lucky and come across a like-minded character who can keep right up with me. I’d like you to meet my new friend Ms. Mackenzie. You’ll be hearing more from her in the future.

Here’s the chain of emails we wrote to each other the day that I answered her innocent ad.

Honey Ad

Me:

You know what I do when I get bored at work? I play a game called pork sword in the supply closet with 1/2″ thick twine and a pink highlighter. There are no cameras in there. Judging by the noticeable stains in the carpet near the extra file folders, I’m guessing I’m not the only one who enjoys the privacy this room seems to offer. I haven’t figured out who it is yet, but my money’s on Josh in the corner with the picture of his golden retriever frolicking in blue bonnets hanging on his cubicle wall. There’s just something off about this kid.

Now that I think about it… You can’t play that game. We’ll have to think of something more creative for you. Let me see what I can come up with and I’ll get back to you.

 

Ms. Mackenzie:

It’s gotta be that kid…..I think I saw him last week actually sneak off into the woods with that dog and a questionable looking raccoon….my money is on Josh for sure!!  Weirdo!

Now that we both agree on that….please explain to me what you (as a male) would possibly be doing with twine and a highlighter….I am really racking my brain with every possible scenario and I’m at a loss.  If you do actually think of one for me, let me know….I’m quite partial to paper clips and honey!

 

Me:

Honey might be hard to come by unless you stock up on those extra little packs they give you at Popeyes to go with your biscuit. Good thinking with the paper clips… You might be on to something. I feel a YouTube video coming about.

You know I was wondering why Josh was walking with a limp yesterday, so you bringing up that scenario with a raccoon makes total sense now. Those little bastards are feisty! Sometimes it’s best to sedate them. Or at least tie em up a little better.

The highlighter is an excellent tool for all kinds of freaky shit. I may or may not by writing an article containing best safety practices when involving them.

Cure your boredom by reading my blog and the get back to me about when you wanna hook up to make that video.

https://buttershootblogger.wordpress.com/

 

Ms. Mackenzie:

No, we actually stockpile lots of those tiny packets of all kinds of condiments in our break room.  I’ve got honey, salsa, strawberry jam, mayo from the homophobic Chick-fil-A, soy sauce……you name it, we got it!  Honey was just the first one that came to my mind and honestly, the best tasting of the bunch!

I must commend you on your advertising skills.  I will say after reading a few of your entries, it seems that you and CL have a very co-dependent relationship….all this coming from someone who also puts it down so vehemently.  You never know, that poor fat chick on Riverside may truly find her Prince Charming!  After reading her heartfelt plea for a WELL-ENDOWED gentleman who likes to cuddle and such….I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s not already pregnant with their first offspring living in a condo on W.6th….miracles do happen you know!

Just sayin, if people like Josh can find sweet release in a broom closet with you waiting impatiently by the door wth your pink highlighter……then hot, rich guys can also be looking for the ONE on CL!

 

Me:

You do have a valid point there, ms Mackenzie. Stranger things have happened. That well endowed tall cuddler dude may be looking for a 200 lb woman for a straight physical relation ship. Really, who the hell doesn’t like a BBW. Especially when you throw some honey in the mix!

I do love me some cl! One of these days I may find someone who wants to explore the supply closet with me.

 

Ms. Mackenzie:

Don’t give up….I’m sure there are tons of deviants on here that would jump at the opportunity!

And if not, there’s always Josh….you  know you’ve been enviously eyeing that bluebonnet pic!! Everyone wants one of those cliche pics on their desk….all I ask is that you don’t hurt the dog!

 

Me:

Yep… It’s def Josh. He just came around the corner from the area where the supply closet is and he had a certain smirk in his face and he looked completely relaxed. I’m gonna grab my ball of twine and head back there to investigate. I went to Popeyes for lunch specifically for the honey sauce so wish me luck.

Any chance you could send me a pic of your painted toenails to set the mood just right?

 

Ms. Mackenzie:

Hey now!  I’m the one with the honey/paperclip thing…I suggest you stick to your own ideas when it comes to playtime in the closet Mr.! (Besides I don’t really think it’s called “honey sauce” I think just “honey” is sufficient)  And although I don’t happen to have painted toenails this particular day, I could describe my elbow to you in such great detail that I think it would do the trick….or I do happen to have a pic of me in a mud mask that I think might help…most guys love that one!  Trust me, you won’t be in that closet long!

 

Me:

Ooohhh!! A mud mask?!? You sure know how to get a man’s blood pumping! Hell. Yes.

 

Honey and Paper Clips